Power Struggles in Relationships

Have you ever taken the time to view a friend’s social media page only to find their relationship status has changed? Here are some surprising updates you might find: “divorced”, “single” “searching”, “it’s complicated”, “we are on a break”, or “not sure”. These are just samples of the statuses that will leave you lost for words. From this observation, we can all agree on one thing; relationships are complicated. No one can brag about fully understanding the dynamics of relationships.

I would say one of the more complicated dynamics of relationships is power struggles. They arise when two people in a relationship have very strong opposing views and/or conflicting desires on a given issue, with which they fail to achieve a compromise. It is a power struggle when you see both sides sticking to their differing opinion and fail to find a middle ground on an issue. Power struggles such as this are not fun and they may awaken other problems in your relationship. Everyone will be trying to defend their position so hard that they may result in dirty tricks, possibly causing you to undermine one another.

Types of Power Struggles

Not all power struggles are bad for relationships, however. Some help relationships grow. Feeling confused? Let’s review the two types of power struggles you can experience in a relationship.

Negative Power Struggles

Negative power struggles are the ones we are most familiar with. They occur when one partner in a relationship wants to have control over the relationship in general. That person often wants the other partner to accept and start seeing things from their perspective.

As the name suggests, these power struggles are negative. For one, there is no guarantee that the other partner will accept to be controlled. And another, even if they accept the “my way or the highway” rule, the relationship will remain unhealthy if there is no form of compromise in that relationship. It is the kind of relationship that is built on fear as opposed to love and understanding for one another. I believe that if there is no respect for one another, there is no real happiness in that relationship. 

The next time you see a relationship status of “it’s complicated”, the complications may be arising from negative power struggles.

Positive Power Struggles

As I mentioned, though, not all power struggles are harmful to your relationship. Some make relationships healthier by helping you and your partner establish relationship boundaries. These are what we call positive power struggles. The good thing about them is that they are normal as they represent growth in a relationship.

When you first fall in love, things are all cute. There are no flaws that you can tell about your partner. You just want to be close to one another and feel each other’s affection. Certainly, the relationship status will now change to “in love.” At this stage, you can find the true meaning of the phrase, “love is blind.” However, it is just a phase. Your relationship has to grow and transition to other stages. You will have to get to the stage where you figure out one another and how to live together. It is during this time that you start recognizing and probably appreciating each other’s weaknesses.

During this period, you are likely to start experiencing positive power struggles. They arise as you disagree with each other’s way of doing things or approach to life. However, unlike the negative power struggles, it does not mean you are trying to impose your belief system on the other partner. Therefore, it will be easier for you to find a compromise on most issues. You will find ways to accommodate your partner’s ideas, which is a positive sign of growth. Also, you will start understanding the lines that are not to be crossed. Especially on issues that your partner is strongly opinionated about. When you get to this point, it means respect for one another exists in that relationship.

Signs You Are Experiencing Power Struggles

When you are in a relationship and experiencing a power struggle, you and your partner may fail to spot what is happening. It is not unusual to be experiencing power struggles and no one is aware of them. Therefore, unless you visit a marriage or relationship counselor, you might not even realize where the problem is at or your blind spots. There are warning signs that can make you realize that you are experiencing power struggles in your relationship.

Excessive Competition between One Another

Relationships are meant to be a support system for the parties involved. A support system works when people work towards helping one another remain strong. Therefore, all the parties in that relationship will be pulling in one direction. When one person feels weak, the other one will be ready to support him/her and encourage them to gather their courage.

Competing with each other can be a dangerous game to play especially when it’s excessively. If you have a big ego and you’re competitive it can lead to some ugly stuff going on.

However, there are some couples that can make a little competition work if they understand each other and leverage it to help each other grow. 

For example, you both may have your own savings accounts outside of a joint one and you both may compete on how much money one will save versus the by the end of the year versus the other. (I would recommend having a savings account you both contribute to and one that just belongs to each partner.) This way at the end of the year when you’re looking at how much money you saved you can incentivize or leverage that to motivate your spouse. 

This can work well for couples who are both Ruby personalities and Emerald personalities. The Ruby personality is naturally competitive, likes showing off, and enjoys being #1 while the emerald personality is more than likely the structured one who likes order and to see their savings account adding up, their debt slowly becoming smaller and their retirement accounts growing. 

Stubborn Attitudes

In most cases, couples that experience power struggles are strongly opinionated kind. When you are both individuals with strong personalities, it may be harder for you to agree on certain things at first. The reason for this is that no one will be willing to back down from their opinions. When this happens it becomes even harder to find a compromise on even the smallest arguments.

Therefore, when you find yourself being stubborn on a given issue in a relationship, it is a warning sign of a power struggle. When you find yourself not finding a middle ground on small matters in your relationship, then it could indicate that you both have stubborn attitudes. The attitudes could be a sign of power struggles where each partner wants to impose their ideologies on the other.

Failure to Respect Each Other’s Role in the Relationship

Relationships thrive on trust and respect for one another. A relationship cannot survive if one party does not respect the other party’s contribution or place in the relationship. Titles and salary figures have no place in a relationship. It is either you appreciate what your partner does or be ready to help them make positive changes to their lives.

In short, if you find yourself constantly arguing over who makes more money or who is in a more respectable job, then trouble is already brewing in that relationship. It is a classical sign of a power struggle in a relationship. It means that someone wants to be acknowledged as having more control in that relationship based on their achievement outside the relationship. Sadly, this falls under the negative category of power struggles. Soon their statuses may be “divorced” or “we are on a break.”

I understand that relationships can be complicated, but at the same time, they can be fun to be part of. All you need is to understand the dynamics of your relationships. Look out for signs that you are experiencing power struggles in your relationship. Deal with it before it blows things out of proportion. You can do it.