Letting that Mommy Guilt Go!
Most mothers experience mommy guilt at some point. Mom guilt feels the same for experienced mothers as it is for first-timers. This is the kind of guilt that a mother feels when she perceives herself failing in her motherly duties. There seems to exist an unwritten code of what the best mothers do. For example, for some, the “better” mom is the one who endures labor pains without asking for an epidural. For others, the better mother is the one who breastfeeds their kids or packs a neat lunch box for their school-going children. Some of these unspoken beliefs are the reason most moms are trapped in guilt. Don’t forget working mothers who feel guilty for spending little time with their children. Yet, they are expected to bring something to the table. So what can you do to let the mommy guilt go? You can start by establishing whether it is mommy guilt you’re feeling or something else.
Recognizing Mommy Guilt Symptoms
The development of negative feelings such as low self-esteem is an apparent symptom of mommy guilt. These feelings creep up when a mother starts feeling as if they are not dedicating their maximum potential towards raising their children. Resorting to social media to display affection for your kids may be a symptom of mommy guilt. Especially if the same affection being portrayed is not there in reality. In this case, you feel the need to seek admiration from strangers. It gives you temporary relief from feeling inadequate in how you raise your children.
When you’re trapped in mommy guilt, you may exhibit perfectionism and addictive behavior. Some moms get addicted to drugs, over-spending, or even over-eating to find some solace. Others may feel the need to have everything in control constantly, thereby developing a perfectionist attitude. However, when things fail to go as planned, they could get more stressed and feel more guilt. Shaming yourself as a mother is unwarranted. It leads to more pain and stress. It could also trigger some negative reactions that traumatize your kids’ childhood. This is why you need to learn how to let that guilt go. Say no to mommy guilt by adopting some of the following tips.
Do Not Compare Yourself to Other Moms
We live in an era where people feel the need to share everything on social media. Mothers are not left behind as most of them enjoy posting pictures and experiences with their children. What most struggling mothers do not realize is that people are unwilling to expose their negative experiences on social media. This is why it is easy for one to perceive the lives of those they see on social media as perfect. Comparing yourself to these perfect social media versions of others’ lifestyles could cause unnecessary mommy guilt. Always remember that no one’s life is perfect. If it brings you more peace of mind, stop following people who lead you to feel unnecessary pressure on social media. Consider undertaking a ‘social media detox’ if you must. Also, look at the mothers around when you go to a restaurant, park, or some other place in the real world because what you see there is the reality. You could be doing much better than the ‘wannabes’ out there.
Let Go of the Need for Perfectionism
I’m here to remind you that no mother is perfect! Every mother you ask will tell you they have made mistakes in the past. Even the ones you see as perfect once made mistakes. This doesn't mean that you should not put your best foot forward when it comes to your children, but stop punishing yourself whenever you fall short of your goals as a mother. Instead, find ways to make things better the next time. It is okay if things do not always happen in the perfect way which you envisioned.
Forgive Yourself
Releasing the mommy guilt has to begin with a culture of self-forgiveness. If you do not learn to forgive yourself wherever you go wrong as a mother, the guilt will turn into shame. The shame, in turn, will leave you in emotional turmoil, which will make it harder to be there for your children’s needs. To achieve self-forgiveness, you should always keep in mind the reasons behind all your choices. Instead of feeling bad about something, remind yourself why you made that decision.
Seek Help
Asking for help is a pertinent solution to mothers experiencing mommy guilt. Never feel culpable for seeking help. Whether it is emotional help for yourself or physical help with your child, just ask for it. New or working mothers who try to do it all by themselves struggle and can really fail at it. If you find yourself in such situations, look for close friends, relatives, or even a nanny. These people can help you catch a much-needed break with your children. Remember you also need to rest, so that you can do the best for your kids.
Evaluate Your Values
It is not rare to find mothers who experience mommy guilt for executing parenting decisions that go contrary to their values. For example, I have seen it happen when a mom has on the top of her list of values to spend quality time with her children, and then she may feel guilty whenever she chooses something else over spending time with family. To overcome this, make conscious decisions that enable you to live up to your values. For instance, you could skip going for those happy hour cocktails with your workmates every weekend to spare some time for your children. You could also delegate some errands to other people. It will give you more time with your children, which in turn can help erase some guilt.
Experiencing mommy guilt is a sign of compassion and empathy for a mother towards her child or children. However, it is important to not let the guilt bring you negative feelings or shame. Allow the power of empathy to motivate you to find joy in being a mother and doing everything else. Seek support when you are overwhelmed. Also, don’t forget that it is the imperfections that make you a great mother. Keep your head high mommy; you are doing well with your children.