Expectations and Boundary Setting!

Expectations and boundaries are terms that many of us have heard being thrown around. To some, they are similar terms because when someone sets a boundary, it means that they expect others to stick to those boundaries. To others, it is possible to set boundaries without necessarily expecting anything.

Whatever your perspective, the reality is these two concepts shape our life experiences. They are important tools to know and use in all kinds of relationships: friendships, marriages, parenting, partnerships, and so on. However, many people fail at setting boundaries because they do not manage their expectations or even realize how they come into play during boundary setting. If you want to win at setting boundaries, it is important to understand the difference between the two terms.

Differences Between Expectations & Boundaries

Expectations are generally the assumptions that we make about how circumstances should play out. In short, it is the acceptable behavior of people. When it comes to romantic relationships, some partners exceed the other person’s expectations while others do not meet them. For example, a person who was previously in an abusive relationship may  expect their next partner to be abusive as well. However, their expectations become exceeded when they meet a compassionate and reverential partner.

In many cases, nevertheless, expectations are not met and this leaves people hurt. The problem is that many people base their expectations on assumptions. They forget the need to communicate their expectations to the other party. No one will know what you expect unless you spell it out for them.

Boundaries, in contrast, are useful guidelines in relationships that tell what is and what is not accepted by someone. Establishing boundaries is a way of allowing other people to realize what actions you deem as respectful and satisfactory. Although boundaries can sometimes seem selfish, they are an important way of communicating what you like and what you need in various relationships. Remember, no one can read your mind. Therefore, saying what you like and dislike is a healthy way of ensuring that you agree with the people you value. Also, keep in mind that it is okay to set different boundaries for different relationships.

So, how can you set healthy boundaries to avoid seeming selfish and weird to the people who love you? These tips may be a useful guideline to setting boundaries in any or all of your relationships.

Be Specific

When deciding the boundaries to set, you must ensure that all of them are specific. For example, if you dislike public displays of affection in romantic relationships, you must inform your partner of this early in the relationship. You could tell them to avoid holding your hand in public, for instance. This specific detail would be extremely useful in ensuring that your expectations of no public display of affection are met. Besides, you could also create consequences for those who constantly disrespect your boundaries. The consequences you set are a way of remaining firm in your decisions and values.

Communicate Your Boundaries

Also important in boundary-setting is communication. Your boundaries may not mean much unless you communicate them to the other party. Other people may hurt you by overstepping your boundaries unknowingly, unaware that they are causing you emotional pain, because you never let them know your boundaries. Assuming that people will get the message without letting them know will only lead to conflicts in the future. However, when these conversations come up, be kind about how you say it because people may judge the message by how it is said. By communicating firmly but kindly, your peers and loved ones will know how to avoid hurting you and you can move forward knowing the ground rules are set.

Recognize Your Emotions

When establishing boundaries, take a step back and acknowledge how you feel about certain things in a relationship. For example, understand how you feel about a friend who keeps giving unsolicited advice. Does it hurt much or can you brush it off and not take it seriously? When you know how you feel, it is easy to set boundaries and communicate them to others.

Anticipate Resistance

When establishing boundaries, it is normal for some people to respond poorly. However, you should not let this deter you. Some of them need time to adjust to your boundaries before accepting them. Be ready for others who may use anger to manipulate you. Do not let them stop you from remaining firm about your boundaries. Keep in mind that the lack of boundaries may be the reason for future conflicts.

Setting Expectations is an On-Going Process

Your boundaries might need changing as your needs change. For example, if you are a parent, you may need to set new expectations as your children grow. Understand that it is not a one-off process and that it is okay to change your expectations with time.

Note that as you set boundaries and expect people to respect them, you also need to respect those set by others. Recognize when people give you verbal or non-verbal indicators about their boundaries. When you respect other people’s boundaries, they feel obliged to respect yours.

Managing Expectations

So now that we know that establishing boundaries and having expectations are closely connected concepts, it is important to understand the need to manage the expectations you may have. A sure way of managing expectations regarding your boundaries is avoiding assumptions. For example, in a romantic relationship, you must not assume that your spouse desires something you are planning for their coming birthday. Asking them what they want or would enjoy for their birthday is a good way to recognize and value their boundaries.

You can also manage expectations by enjoying life in the moment. Don’t just rely on social media to set your expectations with what you see others posting online. People rarely post about their shortcomings. All you are bound to see online is the glitz and glamour. Use real life moments and be present to know what you expect and what brings you joy.

Expectations and boundaries are necessary for all kinds of relationships. These two concepts are interlinked because anyone who sets boundaries expects others to abide by them. However, setting boundaries also requires you to manage your expectations and those of others because not everyone might agree with them. Also, keep in mind that different relationships may require different kinds of boundaries. If you have been struggling with boundary setting, these tips could come in handy in ensuring that you put healthy boundaries in place.